I’m bored by my daughter, and she is distant and critical of me | Life and style | The Guardian
If I'm good enough to look after her child, she has to put up with my way of doing it Dr Brann says: "The relationship between two women is, on lifestyles - they want luxury holidays, gadgets and designer clothes. . Why Christmas is a Very British Problem: Your guide to the festive season's many pitfalls. Saving Your Marriage After Baby: 6 Solutions to Common Problems . in the laundry room may be a small price to pay for actually getting the clothes washed. We have extended family in the UK and my husband died 20 years ago. She will never comment on what I do or the clothes I wear, as if it is of no interest. ever such a lot on to their babies/children and can feel judged when, Relationships shift in families when a parent dies. Your problems solved.
I wish there were manuals about how to deal with adult children! The first thing that struck me about your letter — which was imbued with sadness — was the great expectations you had, and have, of your daughter. So much emphasis on her, but so little on your son — relegated to a mere mention. I wondered about when she was born, what happened, who supported you, what sort of mother you were, versus the sort of mother you wanted to be; how you yourself were mothered … a lot of questions, but so relevant.
It was very illuminating you saying: They are born adoring, and with fairly basic needs. Guilt is often the enemy of confident parenting; it can rob a parent of the ability to shrug off mistakes which we all make. Instead, some might start to project all that on to their children. Was your daughter close to her father? I wonder if, inadvertently, you have tried to get her to fill his place Your husband died when you were still very young and your daughter heartbreakingly young. Did she, or you, ever get bereavement counselling?
It must have been an incredibly difficult time.
Marriage After Baby: 6 Solutions to Common Problems
I wonder if, inadvertently, you have tried to get her to fill his place your remark about expecting her to comment on your clothes. Relationships shift in families when a parent dies. I wonder what role your husband provided, besides the obvious — what did he facilitate?
All the lovely things you said about your daughter — do you ever tell her? There seems to be a lot of projection going on and very little true communication.
Saving Your Marriage After Baby: 6 Solutions to Common Problems
I think it would be really interesting to hear her side of things and that will help you realise the part you play. Any agreement not to apply to a court or to the Child Maintenance Service in the future does not count legally who the children should live and have contact with. The advantage of a written agreement is that it's easier to make sure that you both understand what has been agreed.
It also means that either of you can go to court to change the agreement at a future date. It's advisable to consult a solicitor when drawing up a separation agreement, but you should work out in advance the general areas you want to cover. This will reduce the legal costs. You may be able to get help with legal costs. Arrangements for children If you don't have parental responsibilities and rights under the law you have no automatic right to have a say in the children's future, or see them.
If your ex-partner doesn't want you to be involved with the children you'll have to apply to court for an order for parental responsibilities and rights.
When you are the biological parents of the children and are not married to each other only the mother has full parental responsibilities and rights unless: The agreement does not take effect until registration a court has made an order giving parental responsibilities and rights to the father. If you're in a same sex relationship and one of you is the natural parent, only that partner has automatic parental responsibilities and rights unless: When a child has been conceived in this way the second partner has a number of options about how to be the second legal parent.
You can find more information on the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority website. Decisions the court can make about children If you can't agree about what should happen to the children the court can make decisions about: A court will only make decisions about children if it's in the best interests of the child to do so.
You may find it helpful to use a mediation service or collaborative practice to help you reach an agreement without having to go to court.
Changes in your relationships after having a baby
Financial arrangements at the end of a relationship At the end of a relationship, both parents are responsible for supporting their children financially regardless of where the children will live. The responsibility can also extend to children accepted into the family. You may find it helpful to get more details about this from a Citizens Advice Bureau. The father is equally responsible even if he stops living with the mother and even if he is not named on the child's birth certificate but only if he is the natural father.
It doesn't matter whether he has got parental responsibilities and rights or not. He can be contacted by the Child Maintenance Service for financial support. For more information about parental responsibility, see heading Arrangements for children. Neither you or your partner has a duty to maintain the other at the end of a relationship if you were not married or in a civil partnership. Financial arrangements can be arranged: Agreeing on financial support If you both agree to financial support, this is called a voluntary agreement or family-based agreement.
It can be written down or it could be a verbal agreement. You can agree, for example, that one of you will make weekly payments to the other for the support of children, or will meet rent or mortgage payments, household bills, or pay for the children's clothing and holidays.
If you need advice on the options available for arranging child maintenance and for advice on how to set up a family-based child maintenance agreement, you can contact the Child Maintenance Options Service. Before you agree on a package of financial support, it may be useful to get legal advice about whether it is an appropriate arrangement.
It may also be useful to have an agreement drawn up by a solicitor in case of future dispute. However, you don't have to use the CMS if you don't want to. The CMS is the government child maintenance service that arranges maintenance for children under the Scheme.
Court orders In some circumstances, the court can make an order for financial support for the children. It can make an order for financial provision for you or your partner. A court can make an order for regular payments for specific circumstances, for example, expenses to help with a child's disability.
It can also make an order for one partner with parental responsibilities to give money to the person caring for the children.
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- I’m bored by my daughter, and she is distant and critical of me
If you want to ask the court to make such an order you have to do so within one year of the date you stopped living together. The court can also make a number of orders about property you have shared. As this can be complicated you should get more details from a Citizens Advice Bureau.
Find out more about the advice options we offer. If you apply to court for financial support for the children, you might be able to get help with legal costs. However you may have to pay towards these costs from money or property you get as a result of the court action. Make sure your solicitor explains the charges properly to you before you start court action. Housing rights at the end of a relationship At the end of your relationship, a court can give you or your partner rights to the home, for example: For more information about help you can get if your partner has been violent to you, see Domestic abuse.
If you are thinking of going to court about your housing rights after the breakdown of your relationship, you should consult an experienced adviser, for example, a family law solicitor or at a Citizens Advice Bureau.